Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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