I don't usually arrange sex via text message
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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