I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Randomize
