I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
