Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She's the barista slut.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
