I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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