So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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