if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
