I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
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he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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