I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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