I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
