I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
