I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
