im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
