wanna go halves on a baby?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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