Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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