I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
