Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
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He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
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Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!