So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
