just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
