You can't special order awesome
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
