I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
