I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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