my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
