If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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