I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
