i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
