Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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