the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
