So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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