I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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