She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
