It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
