so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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