i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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