why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
