I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
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You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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