I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
