pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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