his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize