Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
