May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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