my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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