I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
