My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
