BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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