i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
