I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
