ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
