$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
