see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
