and my herpes radar will keep us safe
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
