he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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