I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We are all done wearing pants today
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
