I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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