If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
